Reunion seven years later

Today I'm going to talk about birth family¹ reunion.

Actually, I've been trying to write this post for a couple of weeks now and it proved harder than expected...I kept looking at the words on the screen and they didn't sound quite like me. I think it's because it's hard to write openly about these things without fear of judgment of some kind, from my family, other adoptees, complete strangers, or even myself.

I've been "in reunion", as they say, since 2010 and one of the (many) reasons I moved to Korea was to spend more time with my birth family.

This time, I'm trying to go beyond a tourist's impression of both Korea and my birth family. I've visited Jeonju twice already. We always do nice things together. Last time we visited Jeonju's lotus flower park and went tenpin bowling, in between lots of eating - Jeonju specialties, naturally - and then coffee and bingsu and more eating (not that I'm complaining).

Returning to Seoul, I realised that I felt utterly exhausted. I suppose we haven't yet developed that laid-back familiarity one might usually have with family. They are trying to make sure I have a good time and I'm still trying hard to be a good, appreciative daughter (/sister/niece/cousin/etc). I'm also trying hard not to zone out even though I can't understand 90% of the conversations. I try to connect in non-verbal ways where possible. Which is why I go to the public sauna with my birth mother (or Omma) and sit patiently while she catches up on gossip with the other naked ajummas (but frankly, two hours at the sauna is just too long for me, so next time I plan to decline or leave earlier).

So what's changed in seven years? I'm not sure. Despite regular visits to Korea, I don't know my birth family that well, except for one of my brothers who came to Melbourne for a working holiday. It's difficult to become closer to people without regular, everyday-type interactions. I feel particularly distant with my Omma. In addition to a bunch of pesky questions that I still have about my adoption and early years in Korea, I know very little about her. What was her life like growing up? Is she close with her mother? What did she think of my birth father when they first met?

I also noticed that when my brother, his girlfriend, Omma and I were together, our Omma directed most of her conversation towards my brother's girlfriend. She told me that she senses that Omma is lonely and recently they went to the movies together. As I watched them talk, I felt jealous towards my brother's girlfriend (who is very nice) and has a relationship with my birth mother that I may never have. 

As I discussed with an adoptee friend the other week (who has been reunited with her birth family for around 12 years), we don't really talk about what happens post-reunion. Like really post - say, 10, 15, 20 years later. Maybe this is because the more exciting, emotional rollercoaster part happens at the beginning, or because there isn't yet a critical mass of intercountry, transracial adoptees who have been reunited long-term.

The same friend lent me a memoir called "Lucky Girl" by Taiwanese American adoptee Mei-Ling Hopwood. Honestly, the first half recounting her American upbringing and initial birth family reunion felt a bit routine (I've read my fair share of adoptee memoirs by now 😝) but then things became more interesting, through to the birth of the author's own daughter. Almost ten years after their first meeting, Hopwood attempts to get to know her birth mother better and I was surprised by how much I could relate:

"...yet Ma still remained a mystery. I knew that I liked her - at least I wanted to - but I had very little sense of who she was. During my five visits to Taiwan over the years, she had been a kind of shadow figure, almost unknowable. She and I could be standing together, even touching, but I always felt as if a piece of soundproof glass divided us... We never really connected. While our biological bond certainly had created a bridge, crossing had been much harder."

Yes, I'm grateful and lucky to have reunited, and it is cruel and unjust that many adopted people can't for various reasons. I'm grateful that my birth family always welcomes me to Korea and continues to want to have a relationship with me. Yes, it is wonderful to have family whom I physically resemble and a number of aunts who could lend me clothes and shoes that fit, and have on occasion. Yes, it is satisfying to have some information about why I was adopted and the first three years of my life, although sometimes that information is hard to swallow. No, it doesn't answer all my questions; overall it has generated more. No, I still don't have any baby photos as I had initially hoped. Apparently my Omma burned them all because my Appa was in most of them (yep, the stuff of Korean dramas, I know). And even though I'm now in the same country, somehow it doesn't feel like it because I rarely hear from them (except for my brother). 

Still, I'm going to make a concerted effort to cross that bridge and make the most of my time here. Soon I will return to Jeonju to spend my first birthday with my birth family (since I was 3 years old I guess). I'm thinking of trying to exchange letters with my Omma, with the help of a Korean Australian social worker and friend, to potentially bypass the language barrier and gently encourage some communication. It's worth a try. And although the window of acceptable time to ask my adoption-related questions seems long closed, if I see a glimmer of light peeking through, maybe I can reopen it. 

¹An aside on adoption terminology: I know that "birth mother" or "birth family" sounds reductive to some people (e.g. the mother who only gave birth). But this language is most commonly accepted in the Korean adoptee community and personally I feel equally uncomfortable with the other terms like "biological" and "natural" parents. I don't feel completely comfortable calling my birth mother "Omma" either to be honest (not like when I hear little Korean kids on the street call out "Ommm-ahh!" and they call back "Balli-wa!" (hurry up)). Anyway, this language thing can be a sensitive business.